Why Parents Must Never Stoke Negative Sibling Rivalries

Is it parents that trigger negative rivalries or is it the children that interpret them liberally? Whichever way this really goes, it is incumbent on the parents as they once had the experiences of childhood or early adulthood, to come down to the level of their young ones and explain stuff in ways that make every family member matter or count for something.

Favourtism exists everywhere but it must never be allowed to get out of hand. A situation has arisen somewhere where majority of the siblings have ganged up against one of their own. They want to correct something they feel the parents never got right. Infact they have been quietly doing it as the years went by and it only became apparent when both parents passed on.

If you find yourself always facing difficulties at work or at home, it could be that the information shared with 'loved' ones is actually the cause of your frustrations. Betrayal succeeds when one close to you uses such privileged information against you. So, for a while, stop sharing your deepest secrets or work-related stuff with your siblings in the manner you presently do. Keenly monitor the events that follow your silence and most likely you will be at peace.

A simple statement from a parent to one's siblings such as, "I like the way Peter is progressing in life...he has never disturbed us for financial support since he left home to work", could be interpreted by the rest as a soft way of being told they aren't good enough. That could stoke negative emotions and unnecessary actions from the concerned parties. When this is the case, camps develop within the family.

Let us plead the case of the sibling feeling disadvantaged on account of the attributes of the successful brother or sister.

First, the home is meant to be the children's refuge at all times. It must never be the place where negativity is nurtured and allowed to bloom. And much as no one is encouraged to occupy a comfort zone before they can earn their own money, we must acknowledge that children belong to their home and must be raised to face the challenges that await them in adulthood out there. Let the children grow knowing that everyone has a duty in the other's life. They must know that they all posess unique attributes that are beneficial in ways that are not like for like.

Second, once it is apparent that a child has certain weaknesses or strengths, the parents must encourage the positive application of those strengths whilst helping them to cope with their weaknesses. The siblings must participate in supporting the other's strong areas whilst complementing the weak areas. They must never be subjects of jokes and teasing.

Recently, a dog breeder gave me a lesson. I was searching for sniffer dogs and settled for beagles. But he said, you will only tell how good they are at sniffing once training commences. He explained that from evety litre, a star and a lagard will emerge. The laggards might end up being good for breeding and the stars excellent at the task at hand. He advised that I consider a two year period of raising dogs from different litres in order to develop a winning team. He ended it by saying that for humans, the same holds true. You will give your kids equal opportunities but the results will be as far appart as the number of children you have.

Parents must give every child the allowance to be their own person because the genetic makeup from hundreds of years ago could be responsible for the resultant personalities. Don't push them to be doctors when their realities favour mining or farming.

I learned something from a father-and-son camp that we attended together with my son. There were about twenty fathers and 30 sons. As interactions intensified after introductions, we encouraged free mingling. Sons who wanted to be engineers naturally moved to sit with fathers who were engineers.

The same happened for all the sons pairing up with the fathers already in their preferred fields. The good storytellers also attracted some of the boys to their corner. It became apparent that a son needs exposure to the functional equivalent of his parent to mentor him on his chosen area of focus if the father is not in the chosen field. We cannot be everything to our children. We must encourage beneficial interactions that could end up unlocking the potential in children otherwise consigned to the laggards corner. We must quickly avoid the case of children thinking that their mother is the best cook when in deed other mothers around are up to the task if not better.

But what do we do when it is fait accompli? The siblings are grownups in their own homes but have childhood scores to settle?

To be continued.