Free Advice For Men Falsely Accused Of Violence.

Warning: Long read.

Let me begin by stating that I am just as much of my mother's son as I am my daughter's father and a brother to my sisters. I am an uncle to nieces and cousins with several ladies. And from them all I have learned that women are important to the menfolk because the Creator made no mistake in having both genders living, working and interacting side by side.

I respect women and appreciate them collectively and individually. Let me declare that no one makes mistakes on behalf of an entire gender. The broad brush approach never works. Every offender or false accuser must carry their cross and not be wrongly celebrated or heaped with undeserved sympathy.

When a man is wrongfully chastised, it leaves indelible skid marks—his children are also unfairly rebuked with the same stroke of the pen as they likely will be termed "son or daughter of a violent man". They could have their future marriage proposals turned down—for supposedly carrying "genes of violence", all because someone in a hurry to bury a guilty past badly needed a scapegoat to justify a matrimonial exit. They never leave quietly.

Normally, the party exiting / ending the union puts in plenty of work prior to executing the plan. There are scripts for everyone, and all tweaked for maximum effect. False but made believable for your friends, relatives, associates and pets.

When the moving out step happens, one feels the impact of collective abandonment by hitherto close friends and confidants.

Business and employment opportunities vanish because the mention of your name, as has been planned, evokes negative emotions. Some victims may find it impossible to survive the stigma instead preferring a quick transition to the afterlife, and in the process adding unnecessary punishment on the children who find themselves caught up in a drama that they will hardly understand or fully process.

It's your day one of solitude. The silence is deafening. And without your permission, the mind keeps hosting races better organised than Formula 1 events, although without the benefit of the pit stops to replenish the fuel and tyres. The first race takes you from the romantic build-up that culminated in you saying "I do", to the reality now of being left behind. It's a back and forth for hours on end.

The mind has company too as your pulse races to unprecedented levels leading to throbbing migraines as confusion sets in.

But the best way to survive this imbroglio is to quickly accept the situation. Hence, avoiding the trap of entering a prolonged and paralysing shock phase that sets in like rigor mortis.

Self-reassurance is your crucial first aid step necessary for getting through a hard time. And maintaining sobriety equates to the recovery position. Avoid switching to revenge mode. It's not worth it.

Fast forward. The court processes begin. It is divorce court and strong grounds are put forth. You've been accused of cruelty, adultery, and withholding conjugal rights. Cruelty is then expounded to mean beating her to a pulp. Understandably, strong grounds to make both the court of law and the court of public opinion decide in favour of the accuser. These grounds have the added psychological war games effects intended to unsettle you.

I have shared this because a friend of mine opened up to me recently and gave me his version of my story as told to him by confidants of my accuser. I must correct these wrong perceptions, just for the record.

In court, I heard the plaintiff with much aplomb describe a violent man in what truly was an award-winning performance delivered with a rare kind of professional finesse that would grab the attention of any acclaimed Hollywood movie producer. For a moment I felt that she was talking about a dangerous stranger out there. The delivery was second to none. Her power of oratory came through as the rich emotional pitch and vivid account of the alleged events fleshed out a living 3D image of the wicked monster that those seated in the courtroom believed had acted as described.

So consuming were the details that when I snapped out of that lucid moment, it dawned on me that the graphic narration was about 'me'.

But the pungency of the perjury couldn't be sanitised as it spoke for itself right there.

Two incidences were narrated and purported to have occurred five years apart. Then my counsel asked, "what did the police say and do about the first incident, and please read out the OB number while at it?

The answer was, "This was a long time ago and the search for the OB number is still on...". for the second incident, she confirmed that there was no OB number after giving a scathing account of another undocumented figment of her imagination.

As a result, this never met the evidentiary threshold in court as my counsel later told me. But the same was already more than enough ammunition and currency in the court of public opinion where the listener is also the prosecutor, jury, judge and hangman. That court is actively in session to this day.

Let me stress that in my accuser's brigade, exists a standing battalion of relatives and confidants with an immense enthusiasm for women's rights. They are armed to the teeth and have an enviable depth in the retaliatory and defensive department.

Their gift of activism would have had them pounce hard at the opportunity to have me convicted for the said actions. But they never found a legal pathway to activate a public show of might. There were no P3 forms, no recorded statements and no occurrences booked at the two stations because there were no violent incidences from the get-go.

If these were true, I would then have been labelled a second time offender and would stand no chance of escaping the legal consequences associated with violence.

And despite them having 'nothing' to work with, I still ended up losing business opportunities, one of them with an LPO written out but was yet to be issued. My business pipeline, diligently built over many seasons, vanished overnight—my school fees obligations and other commitments notwithstanding.

In court, the magistrate guided my counsel to move on to asking the other questions he had for my accuser. It was clear from these directions that the court was not amused with the presentation of unverifiable claims. Eventually, the decision sought in court was reached based on other reasons touching my accuser more than I.

Do I expect that this revelation will bring back my extinguished friendships and the multitudes of erstwhile well wishers who fell for the accusatory story hook, line and sinker? No. And not because the hook scars are fresh on their cheeks. If I am not their priority, they too are not my priority for they never stood with me when it mattered most. Gladly, with the benefit of hindsight, I have made new friends.

So, fellow accused men, be prepared to lose big time but be consoled that other doors open up when you are ready to move on.

It is important to share that some of my former friends have entered a priesthood order led by my accuser. Many of them lurk in unholy assignments whose whiffs I catch from time to time. Two of them are discreetly active at a restaurant I frequent. Every time they see me talk to someone they suspect is a business prospect or a perfect romantic fit delivered by my lucky stars, they find a way of reaching that person to dissuade them from entertaining anything to do with me. They have peddled a 'government spy' narrative by labelling me as one, so that people are uncomfortable around me.

But I worry not, for the consent adopted in court, recently, (still hot off the mill) will soon catch up with them. They must go back to their principal for new directions or new missions all together. When the time comes, I will name these highly venomous and silver haired snitches for all to know. And if they have the balls now, let them step forward and ask, "is it me?", and I will respond appropriately.

Once the court of public opinion passes judgement on you, be careful how you wish to end the tide. It may require you to seek justice in a court of law.

Opportunities lost to innuendos and lies are costly and unnecessary and must be stopped. But justice also comes at a price. Make sure you have two or more people who can tell the court what they heard so that the thread of evidence leads back to your tormentor. What you seek is a court order to stop the tide. The order also works well for you as an essential backup or critical piece of evidence if challenged when seeking employment or new business.

Always remember as I noted at the beginning of this write-up that your accuser planned very well long before executing their script. You are playing catch-up and must therefore waste no time but constructively work at shaking off the accusations, albeit smartly. Many will tell you to just let it slide, but often, silence means consenting to letting the lies stick and bite deeper. Damage control plans work for corporations as much as they do for individuals. My detractors are not happy with these disclosures but I am not out to please them either, for they profit from the pain of others. You know yourselves, don't you? I see you smiling.

I emphasise that as fathers to daughters and as blood relatives in various capacities to many ladies, let us collectively maintain immense respect for them so that they appreciate true love and care from their menfolk. And when they get married off, they will portray the love learned at home to their partners.